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Scene: Desert with a town in the distance. Jesus sitting on a rock studying a scroll of text.
Zoom in on Jesus for his opening dialogue.
Jesus: Hmmm... Let's see... gotta be something here... Some loophole... What's this...? "Rejoice greatly, O daughter of Zion; shout, O daughter of Jerusalem: behold, thy King cometh unto thee: he is just, and having salvation; lowly, and riding upon an ass, and upon a colt the foal of an ass." Hmmm... Riding upon an ass into Jerusalem... That's it!
Jesus does a 'happy dance' to Walk like an Egyptian for a few seconds...
Jesus shouts towards stage right: Hey you guys! C'mere!!!
The 12 disciples rush into the scene in a group like the 3 stooges X4, WAY
too bunched up together and all talking simultaneously.
Disciples (different voices): What is it boss? Wha'd ya find? Yeah Jesus, wha'd ya find? I already asked him that! Shut up you two! You shut up! Make me! I'll make your mother!
Oh yeah?! Yeah! I'd like to see you tr...
Jesus (interrupting): All of you shut up! I've got great news! I got it! I finally figured it out!
Disciple: You mean that 'loophole' thing you've been looking for? The one that'll make people think you're the messiah?
Jesus: The one that'll make them KNOW I'm the messiah!
Disciple: Yes! Know! I mean yes! That's what I meant! Know!
Yeah, he meant know... Yeah, know. Huh? Never
mind. YOU never mind! Why you... I'm gonna...
Jesus (interrupting): Alright, alright! Shut up and listen! I need an ass.
Disciple: What's wrong with the one you've got? I've always thought he had a perfectly fine ass myself, don't you agree John? Well, you know I've always thought Jesus' ass was quite lovely... I agree! Me too! (Suck up) I heard that...
Jesus (interrupting): SHUT UP!!! Not an ass for sitting on; an ass for riding! Now go get me one!
Disciples look at each other in bewilderment, then understanding. "Ahhhhhh.... For riding...." They get big smiles and start whooping it up with "Alright Jesus! Way to go! Yeah, baby!" then they exit the scene en masse like a bullet from a gun, leaving a dissipating cloud of dust were they stood. Moments later, they arrive back just as fast (in cartoon fashion) carrying a young woman above their heads. "Here ya go Jesus - finest ass
around! Yeah boss, ride this, and you KNOW you had a ride! Heh,
heh, heh..."
Jesus: You IDIOTS! Put Mary Magdalene down! (they drop her
unceremoniously on her ass) Not a PIECE of ASS you morons; A DONKEY! I need a donkey!
(Mary Magdalene views)
The disciples look at each other back and forth, mumbling to each other, shrugging their shoulders for a few moments, then: "Jesus - ummm... where are we gonna get a donkey?
Yeah, we don't have any money, and...
Jesus (interrupting): Good grief! Do I have to think of EVERYTHING? STEAL ONE,
for Christ's sake!!
Disciples: Steal one! Ahhh... of course... steal one... Yeah, we'll just steal one... Sure, we could do that... But what about "Thou shalt not..."
Jesus (interrupting): GO GET ME A DONKEY!!!!
They all freeze and yell "RIGHT!!" in unison, then do the bullet routine out of the scene,
stage right again.
Mary Magdalene: You got that 10 shekels you owe me sailor?
Jesus: It's 'fisher of men' and sorry, I'm broke.
Mary Magdalene: That's ok sugar. I know you're good for it. You wanna owe me another 10?
Jesus: Well... I...
Mary Magdalene: Nice ass...
Jesus: Thanks!
Mary Magdalene: I was talking about the donkey (she points toward the disciples
returning, preceded by their grunts and groans as the pull and push a stubborn, stolen donkey through the sand into the scene, leaving a bit of a rut
from it's dragging ass.
Jesus (quickly, and obviously lying): I knew that!
(Donkey views)
Disciples: Whew! There ya go boss! Yep, there ya go boss! I already said that... Well maybe he didn't hear you! He heard me! Shut up! YOU shut up!
Jesus: ALL of you shut up! Don't you get it? Don't you see?!! This is my big moment! I'm going to ride into Jerusalem on this stolen donkey and proclaim myself messiah! Do you have any idea what this means?
Disciples: (hubbub, hubbub, hubbub...) Ummm... what it means... Let's see... it would mean... uhh... we're going to Jerusalem? HEY! We're going back to town! We're leaving the desert! We're gonna eat real food again instead of these damn bugs and snakes and crap! WOO HOO!!! Hey, who's got 10 shekels I can borrow? I feel like celebrating!!
Jesus shakes his head in disgust, climbs onto the donkey and says, "ok, ok... just forget I asked... look, just follow my lead ok? I'll do all the talking. All you guys gotta do is act like I'm god or something, and it'll all go fine.
As they head away from our point of view toward Jerusalem, the crowd is getting smaller in the distance and their voices are getting farther
away, fading out of earshot...
Disciples: Like you're god... Can do. Yeah,
like
you're god... Can do. Stop repeating everything I say.
Stop repeating everything I say. Jesus! Tell him to
stop! Je- Shut up you morons! Who you calling a moron,
butthead? You know who I'm calling a moron, moron! Oh yeah?
Yeah!..... (some jostling then a couple moments of silence...)
Are we there yet? (several snickers from the other disciples)
Jesus: Knock it off, all of you, or I'll turn this ass
right around and we'll stay in the desert!
(a few more moments of silence...)
Disciples: Hey Jesus, what about Mary here? Yeah boss, are you sure she should be with us when you ride in? Good point
Pete. After all, god says we're supposed to stone whores to death...
Jesus: Hey, hey hey! I'M the messiah, so I get to make the rules, right? Right! Ok... New rule: from now on, instead of stoning them, we're gonna hang out with them.
Disciples: YAY! Wow! cool! Awesome! Woo hoo!! (etc.)
Mary: You're trying to get a discount again, aren't ya sailor? You're
persistent, I'll give ya that... We'll see... We'll see...
Jesus (barely audible now in the distance): Hey, how
does "king of kings" sound to you guys?
end
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