Here's a fun little story
I ran across a while back
and wanted to share with you...
| Two very old men are standing at the gates of heaven, waiting for St. Peter who was late in meeting them. They are talking about their lives and sharing personal stories. One guy starts out and says: "well, I was just a barber in a small town called Keelystown, Virginia. You know I was raised by agnostics and failed to find a reason to believe in god or the afterlife. I decided to be atheist when I was pretty young, because I saw all the horrible atrocities that people were blaming on god and I figured if I didn't believe in god, I'd never be able to blame him for anything. Boy was I was really surprised to find that I still existed after I died." The other man laughed and said: "Well, we try to tell you fellas." Looking introspective the atheist said: "Yep. The religious types would come around all the time. My religious friends would try to get me to go to church. Heck a Priest came round during my last few days of life to try and get me to admit there was a god, but you know I just never bought into it." Laughing again the good Christian said: "well, I've always believed in God. Seemed to make good sense to me, but my parents were very religious so it was easier for me to believe. The atheist smiled, nodded, and said: "I wonder what would have happened if my parents had been religious." Looking thoughtful for a second the atheist continued: "gosh I wish I had a cigarette and a beer, something to take the edge of this whole experience." No sooner had he said the words when a pack of his favorite filterless Camel cigarettes and a cold Rolling Rock, his favorite beer appeared in front of him. He looked astonishingly at his comrade and grabbed the cigs and beer. He twisted off the top of the beer and tasted it. "Ahhhh. Perfect. Just like I remember." With that he set the beer down on the gate and tapped the cigarette pack to compress the tobacco a little. Then opening the pack he pulled out a cig, popped it in his mouth and said: "um. God, can you give me a light?" The cigarette lit and he took a long drag. He seemed to age backwards a little, he went from being an old man to being a middle-aged man. But he and the Christian didn't really notice. "Damn that's good, just like I remember. You know I stopped smoking 30 years ago because it was killing me and I knew it. It sure does bring back some good memories, smoking and drinking with my boys. Those were good times, you know?" The atheist aged backwards again, this time noticing his hands looked better. The Christian was shocked and got a little older and more decrepit. How could the atheist get these, of all things, from god? Everyone knows that drinking and smoking are sins, and yet, here in heaven this man gets them. Then it dawned on him. The atheist must be going to hell, and this is his moment of solace before descending to the pit. The Christian smiled and said: "well, good for you. I'm glad you are enjoying it." Taking another swig of his beer, the atheist said: "don't you want anything? I mean if god provides for an atheist, I'm sure you can get anything you want." "No." Replied the Christian, "I don't need anything. I'm quite content to wait here for St. Peter." Lighting another cig off his first, the atheist took a long drag, blowing the smoke out of the corner of his mouth to keep it away from the Christian. Then wondering what to do with the used cig, he thought to himself: "god, um sir, what do I do with the butts?" The cigarette butt disappeared from his hand. Amazed the atheist said out loud: "god sure is a cool cat, isn't he?" The Christian, having witnessed the cigarette butt's disappearance smiled rather uncomfortably and says: "Um yea. Sure is ... a cool cat. "My I wonder what is keeping St. Peter." "I dunno," said the atheist, but I think I'm going to ask god for a recliner and a TV while I wait." The Christian could not believe his ears, he became angry and his scowl became creased into his face. A man who never believed in god at all during his life was now making these ridiculous requests while waiting at the gates of heaven. How could he do that, doesn’t he have any respect at all? Suddenly the Christian observed the atheist sitting in a recliner, lighting another cig and pressing buttons on a remote control. A 55-inch TV appeared out of thin air. "How can you just sit here watching TV?" Asked the Christian. "Why not? I ain't got nothing better to do." "How could you waste god's precious energy on TV?" "I figure god wouldn't give me something if he didn't have the energy. I mean the guy is big and powerful right?" The Christian took a deep breath and tried his best to calm himself. He knew there had to be an explanation of what was going on and he knew that sooner or later the truth would come out. While he worried he seemed to age more as the worry lines put more lines and creases on his face. He hunched over a bit and became lost in thought. The atheist said out loud: "hey God. Can I see my funeral, I'd like to see how it goes?" The TV changed and the man watched his own funeral. His children and grand children were all there and all crying. It was obvious the old man was very respected and loved. The Christian turned toward the gate and peered over it. "I wonder where St. Peter has gone?" He said out loud. The atheist yelled, "hey buddy you might want to watch this. I made this video for my family a year or so ago, just in case I died." The Christian couldn't stop himself from turning around to watch. The funeral reception was obviously at this man's house. Everyone was very sad as they played the videocassette that no one but the old atheist had seen. The old man, connected to an oxygen machine forced himself to sit up in bed and stare into the camera. The atheist laughed, knowing what his recording was going to reveal and he aged backwards yet again. Putting out his cigarette, he stuffed it and the pack into a garbage can that appeared next to his recliner chair. The old man on the video tape smiled and said: "Howdy all you family!" Everyone at the reception watching the video laughed and then sobbed just a little harder for a second. The old atheist continued on the tape while the ever-younger Atheist watched and threw out his almost empty beer. "You people are probably crying right now. Aren't you?" "Well, stop it!" Once again the people at the reception laughed at the image of their dead father, and grandfather. "I didn't live my life just so you all could remember me as some dead guy. I didn't got to barber college, cut hair for sixty years, just so you dumb asses could dress in black and cry over my death. Hell no! I did all that so you all could go out and have some fun for God's sake!" Knowing what a devout atheist the old man was, the entire family laughed at him talking about god. The old man had known it would get their attention. "What are all you people doing? Just look at yourselves! I'm not dead, if you carry me around in your hearts. And I know god damn well that you all have me in your hearts, cause I'm such a sweet heart you have to keep me there. I've managed to wriggle into everyone's heart, even you my bratty little nephew, Brian!" Brian, a man of about 19 years of age laughed and said: "well I tried to hate you Uncle Matt, but I couldn't you bastard!" There was a pause from the old man on the videocassette and the old man said: "well I know you tried to hate me. But I wouldn't let cha. You have always been my boy. Ever since my sister, your mom died, leaving you homeless. You were the hardest work of my life boy, and that's why I left everything to you. All the rest of these assholes got all that they need to be happy, but you, I want you to have me with you forever, just so I can annoy you from the grave." There was a sigh from the audience, suddenly the will made sense and they all felt relief having heard the truth from the old man and not from the will or from Brian, the one they were afraid had killed the old man. Brian burst into tears and argued with the videocassette: "I don't want anything from you old man! I want you! You left me just like mom and dad! I don't want any of your shit." The old man on the videocassette sat watching his wristwatch. After a minute or two he looked back at the camera and said: "you done venting yet? "Well, you'd better be cause I've not got all day to make this tape. So listen up. "When I agreed to take your sorry ass into my house, I knew you were going to be a problem. You'd given your Mom endless troubles. Everyone encouraged me to let you fall into the system for your upbringing, but you are my blood, and damned if I was going to let the state raise blood, when I could do it myself. We never agreed on anything, but we did find a balance, we did find a way to respect each other's wishes and you did become a man. You may hate me for leaving you, you may hate me for being so rough on you, but you will see in the future that it was necessary to crack the whip on you, to keep you in line to teach you some discipline. The old man on the tape took a drink of water and said: "oh, by the way Brian, you never said it, but I know you love me, so don't ever regret not saying it to me, instead make sure you learn to say it to everyone in your life, got it?" Tears streamed down Brian's face and he said: "I got it." The old man said: "good. Now go pack up my house and sell it off. You need the money for college." Brian wandered up the stairs to his room, following the old man's orders one last time. The old man on the tape took another drink of water and said: "as for the rest of you: get your asses out of here if all your going to do is stand around mourning my death. Get out there and celebrate my life or I'll haunt you for all eternity! "Oh and by the way: I love you guys, thanks for being my family." The tape ended and those in the room stood silent for quite a while. The old man's eldest daughter pulled the tape out of the VCR and said: "Brian's don't you think?" Everyone laughed and nodded. The TV disappeared from in front of the atheist and as he stood, all the furniture disappeared. As he turned to face the Christian, he looked no older than 26. The Christian, on the other hand, looked 600 years old and very bitter as well. "I feel better than I ever have," said the atheist, "I think I really did good this lifetime. "Ha!" said the Christian. "How many of your children know and love god?" "None," as far as I know, "Brian joined a church a few years back but even he grew tired of the hypocrites." "Well if you didn't instill respect and love for god, then you failed your mission didn't you?" "I didn't know I had a mission." "Well of course you do! We all do! We have to have faith, keep faith and spread faith!" "Really?" said the atheist, "you know I didn't know that. I wonder how many demerits that will be." "Demerits! You get no demerits. You go straight to hell for not believing in god!" "Well I believe in him now, after all he gave me all those goodies." "That doesn’t count!" "Why not?" "Because it’s all about what we believe, it’s all about our faith in god!" "I don’t think so. I think it’s all about what we do and why we do it." "You are a fool!" By now the Christian looked like a walking, talking corpse and as his anger and frustration continued to build his body began to disintegrate, soon there was just a pile of ashes where the Christian had stood. Bewildered the very young and very handsome atheist took a step back just as Saint Peter appeared at the gate. "Tsk. Tsk. Tsk," said Saint Peter as he shook his head, "we lose more good Christians that way." Amazed, the Atheist walked up to St. Peter and said: "is he dead?" "Well yes, but he hasn’t ceased to be, he just went to Christian heaven. We built it a few years back to keep the good Christians happy until they could handle the real heaven." "I’m confused." "Oh. Don’t be," said Saint Peter, "we always pair the really good Christians up with the really good non-Christians to see if they can grow beyond their beliefs. "Lets see, you burned him in seventeen minutes, you know I think that’s a new record, congratulations. I wonder who won the poll. Awe damn, it was Jesus, man that guy is so good a predicting how long it will take the good Christians to teleport to Christian heaven." "So you mean he’s not dead?" "No. No. He’s dead, just like you and me, but he can’t get into real heaven cause its too far beyond his scope. He can’t accept that people are people and that life is life and that what you are and what you do are more important than what you believe. So God put him in a place where his ideals won’t be offended so he can cool off and hopefully in time grow to accept others as they are, until then, he’ll be isolated away from those that may upset him as you did." "Oh. I see." "Good." Said Saint Peter. "So are you going to let me into heaven?" Asked the atheist. "huh? Oh you can go in any time." "But the gate is closed." "Um haven’t you learned anything yet, Matt?" "Oh yeah! Hey god, open the gate please." The gate slid open and Matt walked into heaven, where his wife and his parents greeted him. They threw a big old party for him and he lived, um died, happily ever after. :) |