From: Cathy Fredricks [mailto:email@example.com]
Sent: Monday, February 25, 2002 6:11 AM
Subject: visited your web pages-http://www.BUCKCASH.com
>>We are responding to your request for a NO COST search
engine standing of your site: http://www.BUCKCASH.com
That's impossible. I never made such a request. I
would remember if I had. I'm good at remembering stuff like that.
Perhaps you could forward the email where I made such a request, or
just admit that you're spamming me. See, I don't care about search
engine placement for my site because I'm not selling anything. It's
a personal site where I show pictures of my kid's birthday parties
and keep friends and family updated on the progress of my cancer.
I'll admit that my personal life is a lot more interesting than most
of the web sites Iíve seen out there, but there's really no need
for advertising, in my mind. I could be wrong though. Apparently, I
am, or you wouldnít be telling me this, after visiting my site and
seeing whatís there. Hmm... Maybe I should rethink this. And itís
"NO COST" huh?! Well then, tell me more!
>>We feel there is very substantial
potential to publicize your site on the Internet.
I'll bet you do. But why would I want to? I mean,
what's the point? Of course, who am I to question? After all, you
say you've visited my site and you feel there is "very
substantial potential to publicize it" on the Internet, so I
must REALLY have something going on, eh? No doubt you feel that it
will enrich the lives of thousands or millions of people, if we can
just get them to visit. Well, I can't argue with that, though I must
say, you really are flattering me quite a bit here. Why, it's almost
embarrassing! Shucks! Are you married? What's your sign? Did I
mention that I have cancer? Do you like cancer patients? How do you
know, if you've never had one? You shouldn't let your prejudices get
in the way of a meaningful relationship - even with a cancer
patient. You know, cancer patients have a lot to offer. I mean,
like, well, for one thing... um... you know you're not going to be
stuck with them for the rest of your life. See? Can you say that
about most other people? Well, there you go!
>>That is what we do - we bring traffic to
our client's websites.
That's great. Thanks for telling me. I wasn't
doing anything special this morning and was hoping someone like you
would come along to take up some of my time. I want you to know just
how much I really appreciate it. Did I mention I have cancer? Not
that it matters, but you know, sometimes I get a little depressed,
you know? Nobody comes around anymore like they used to. I'm mostly
here all by myself all day, reading and stuff. Do you like to read?
I was reading something very interesting when I was interrupted by
your email. I don't remember exactly what it was now... I'll get
back to it later though, and start over from the beginning so that I
can get the full meaning of it once again. No big deal. Really.
These little, uninvited, unwanted distractions are what make life
worth living, although frankly, my time IS a bit limited due to the
cancer thing, so I'm trying to squeeze in a few last things I wanted
to learn or know before I go to that big server in the sky... But
maybe this email from you is just as important, after all. I guess
there's only one way to find out, eh? Thanks for taking the time to
bring it to my attention. By the way, I think "websites"
is actually supposed to be two words. You might want to check into
that, just to maintain some semblance of credibility.
>>We have proprietary software and an
assortment of other Internet tools designed to make your site
popular and bring traffic that is interested in YOUR product area.
I have a "product area"? Could you
please tell me what it is? That should be easy for you, as the
subject of the email you sent to me is: "visited your web
pages". So, go ahead and tell me what my "product
area" is. I'm very interested to know. Why do you capitalize
"Internet" in that sentence, by the way? I was just
wondering. I'm sure there must be a very good reason, I just don't
know what it is. And I was thinking that since you like to impart
such valuable knowledge, perhaps you could enlighten me on that
particular writing point. I'm always trying to become a better
writer. Of course, I'm sure you noticed that when you, (how did you
put it in the Subject Line? Ah yes... here we are...), "visited
your (my) web pages". Yes. That would indicate that you've
actually been to MY site and LOOKED at it and maybe even (gasp) saw
what was there! How nice of you to notice! Did you like it? No need
to gush. I can take your honest opinion. Some tell me they like my
cartoons best, but others say they really enjoy the writing style,
especially in my cancer journal. Did I mention I have cancer? These
drugs they have me on keep me a bit muddled...
>>This has been proven to make the web
Really? The web? The WHOLE web? Even the useless
parts of it? I mean, frankly, I've seen a lot of useless web sites
out there that really don't seem like they could be all that
profitable, but then perhaps it's a bit like thermodynamics or
something. You know, like a closed system, and heat loss and energy
and all that jazz... Like, some sort of "overall" type of
profitability. Hmmm... It's going to take me a while to acquire the
entire web. Iím not even sure Iíll have the time or resources to
undertake such a task, seeing as how Iíve got this cancer and Iím
going to die from it and all. Maybe I should start smaller, like
with just my web site - the one I have now - instead of the whole
web. What about my web site in particular? Is it proven to make my
web site profitable? How much money do you think I can make selling
pictures of my kid's birthday party? Or do you think we should focus
on the cancer thing? Maybe youíve thought of a way to combine kidís
birthday parties with cancer? Youíve obviously put a lot of
thought into this. My, my, my... so many decisions! Thank goodness
you've already visited my site and are ready to tell me how to make
it profitable. You know, I just have to say at this point: You ROCK!
There. I said it, and I'm glad I did. I'm not the least embarrassed
about it either. It's good to get that off my chest. Now if I could
just get this cancer out of my body. Did I mention that I have
cancer? Lymphoma. Incurable. Nasty stuff...
>>Understanding the reality of search
vehicle positioning and the marketing of your site is essential to a
successful web business.
Wow! Search "VEHICLES" they call them
now. That's COOL!! Are there different kinds, like Fords and Chevy's
and Pontiacs and Cadillacs and Volkswagens, or are they all more
like tricycles with 5 year old SPAMMERS furiously peddling them? And
you give this valuable information out for FREE?! Do you realize
what info like that might be worth? You should go into business or
something!! Wow! How extraordinary!! I'd never even thought of
cornering the market on cancer OR pictures of my kid's birthday
party before, let alone combining the two! Can you believe that?! I
mean, it never even occurred to me once! You're an absolute genius!
You know, it all seems so simple, once someone like you finally
brings it out into the light. I feel so dumb now. Of course, it
might just be the Morphine talking. Did you ever take Morphine? It
works goooooooooooood. Really. No lie. Cancer though, well, thatís
another thing... Nasty stuff, that cancer...
>>Let us provide the basic information for
you to take control of key business factors of the Internet.
"Key business factors".... Ooooohhh...
I love it when you talk that way... Tell me again how many million$
of dollar$ you figure I can make selling pictures of my kid's
birthday party and cancer on the net! Ooooohhhh! I'm feeling
absolutely LU$TY with greed already!! You make it sound so EASY! Or
should I say, "EZ", like a marketing thing? (Should I have
put a hyphen in between "E" and "Z"? Iím new
at this marketing stuff...)
Oh, you know, I just thought of something else
that's probably important: We should establish some kind of time
line (the shorter, the better) because I have this cancer (did I
mention that I have cancer?) and it's not curable (lymphoma - I'm
sure you already read that on my web site) so I'm going to, you
know, die, and I'd really like to make it big BEFORE I go take that
looooong dirt nap. Like they say, you can't take it with you! And
it's going to be really difficult taking pictures of those next
several birthday parties, seeing as how I'll be dead and all, so you
know, this thing might not last as long as we'd like. I think we
should take advantage of it while I'm still alive, if you know what
I mean. Any thoughts on that? Any thoughts on anything? Is this
You capitalized "Internet" again. I get
that it's a noun, but I just never really thought of it as a
"proper" noun, you know, like a persons's name. Though I
guess it IS a place, sort of, and we DO capitalize places, like
Washington D.C. and California and Detroit and Chicago and Hell and
Montana (Did I spell that right? I can never remember if it's 2
"n's" after the 1st "a" or just 1 - How do you
remember that? Is there, like, a trick to it?) and Detroit... umm...
did I mention Detroit? I'm from Detroit. Where are you from? Is it
nice there? Weíve been having a pretty mild winter here, though I
donít get out much because of the cancer, you know...
>>Your position on the first page of a
search vehicle is absolutely critical to your success.
I'm sure you're right. Yes, definitely positive
you're right about this. After all, you're the expert. Now, just
tell me how much money we're going to reap in by the bushel selling
pictures of my kid's birthday party on the net, WORLD-WIDE! GLOBAL
BABY!! Oh, man, this is going to be GREAT!! You know, I don't think
I've had this much fun since I was first diagnosed with cancer. Did
I mention that I have cancer? Lymphoma. Non-curable type. Nasty
stuff. The chemo's not too bad most of the time, except for puking
my guts out once in a while, usually the day after I get it. Oh! And
the Prednisone! THAT stuff tastes SO nasty, ya know what I mean?
Well, you probably don't. Unless you have cancer too. Do you have
cancer? Would you like to have cancer? Sometimes people say that all
SPAMMERS should get cancer and die. I don't say that, but some do.
Some people are mean, you know? They can't help it probably.
Something to do with their upbringing or something like that. I
wouldn't pay attention to them at all, if I were you.
>>Your complete search vehicle analysis is
WOW!!! How do you folks stay in business
providing this invaluable service for FREE?! That's amazing!! A
"search vehicle analysis", eh? That would be like, what?
You look in a search engine (sorry - I meant "vehicle"),
see that my site is not on the front page, and conclude that... it's
not on the front page? How insightful! Magnificent! I should start
my own business! How much capital does it take to start doing what
you do? Did you have to get a loan or something, or do you, like,
work for someone else doing this? I'm just wondering, because I
could use some extra income. Do you know if there are any special
places for cancer patients to get loans to start a business like
this? It seems like a lot of places think loaning money to cancer
patients isn't a good idea because they, well, you know, die, so
then it's hard to collect from them. Do you think that's fair? Could
you loan me some money? It doesn't have to be a lot, just whatever
you can afford. See, when I got this cancer I lost my job because I
was in the hospital and it was killing me. No, really, they thought
I was going to die. It was pretty scary. Did you ever think you were
going to die? I mean, REALLY die? Nasty stuff, that cancer... Donít
get it, if you can help it. Thatís my advice.
>>Please REPLY to this email
That's exactly what I'm doing. As a matter of
fact, I'm thinking of replying to it several hundred times per day
for the next few weeks, just so that I can be sure you get the
message. I have some really cool programs my geek pals have given me
over the years that will even do it for me without me having to lift
a finger hardly - all automatic - sort of like, well... like SPAM.
Are you familiar with that term? It's a lot like, um... CANCER.
Yeah, that's it. SPAM = CANCER. Like a cancer of the net! It's
source is a TUMOR. A tumor is a MUTATION of an otherwise normal,
healthy cell. Are you seeing any kind of correlation here? I'm just
wondering because sometimes my humor (hey, that rhymes with
"Tumor"!) and my sarcasm mix together a bit too much, and
then people get a little lost in it and they begin to have
difficulty following me. Are you lost yet? Would you like to get
lost? Did I mention that I have cancer? Lymphoma. Incurable. Nasty
stuff... Donít get it, if you can help it. Thatís my advice.
>>and include your:
- Full Name:
But... you already have it...??? Are you on drugs
too? (Just shout out the answers when you know them!) I hate being
on drugs, but you know, I have this cancer, so I don't have a
choice. It's either the drugs or incredible pain, like you wouldn't
believe! But the drugs... Oh, man, you know, they really dull my
sense of wit and sarcasm. You should see me when I'm not all drugged
up like I am right now. I'm much better at it then. It's like,
"This is your cancer. This is your cancer on drugs - Any
questions?" That reminds me... Nancy Reagan said, "Just
say no." but what did Nancy Reagan know? Was she on drugs? Did
she have cancer? Well, maybe she did, I don't know. But I was raised
to say, "No, THANK YOU." I mean, there's no reason not to
be polite, you know? Even if you have cancer. Did I mention that I
have cancer? Nasty stuff, that cancer...
>>- Telephone #:
Why do you want my phone number? This is a web
site thingy, right? Can people telephone my web site? Is that some
kind of new technology, because I haven't heard of it yet, and I
pretty much try to keep up on all the newest geeky stuff (hobby of
mine, you understand, like the SPAM-BOTs I may be using later with
your email address...) Can we sell cancer over the phone now, the
way weíll soon be doing over the net with your totally awesome
marketing and search vehicle positioning strategies? Iím thinking
we could do, like, a 900 number or something, like one of those
adult phone line things, maybe. You know, "For Lymphoma, press
1" "For Lung Cancer, press 2" "For Colon Cancer,
press 3", etc... What do you think? I'm just throwing ideas out
here, you know? Maybe you already have a tried and true method of
selling cancer over the phone, or over the net... Wait... are we
talking about cancer or SPAM now? They're so similar, you know...
and I get confused so easily on these drugs... Are you confused, or
do you know what I'm saying? Well, I'm not really saying it, I'm
typing it, but it's kind of the same thing, don't you think? Have
you ever thought about that? I think about things like that. But it
might just be the Morphine talking - I don't really know...
>>- WEB site :
But, uh... how could you already have forgotten?
I do hope this doesn't reflect the level of attention you plan to
show if we decide to pursue this together. I just don't think I
would be very comfortable working with someone who addresses me with
my web site in the email they've sent (saying you visited it even -
Gee Wally, I mean Cathy, you weren't lying to me about that were
you?), along with a request within that same email wanting to know
what my web site is. I'm terribly sorry, but quite frankly, you're
beginning to make me a bit nervous. Did my ex-wife send you? Is this
something against cancer patients? What did cancer patients ever do
to you to make you want to do this? Don't you think it's wrong to
play on people's feelings by telling them that you visited their web
site and read their cancer journal where they shared the intimate
details of their own personal tragedy when you didn't? Or did you?
Did I mention I have cancer? Nasty stuff, that cancer... You know
what I tell people? Donít get it, if you can help it. Thatís my
advice. No charge. Youíre welcome.
>>I think you will be very surprised by the
detail and results of our analysis.
I'm already quite surprised by your in-depth look
at your potential clientele. You must want my business pretty badly.
The level of research you've put into this thus far is nothing short
of staggering, I must say! How do you find the time? I mean, I have
lots of time. Well, I mean I have lots of time during the day to do
research. Well, I say "day" but it's not really
necessarily "day". It could be "night". See, I'm
on all these drugs because of the cancer, so I nap a lot. And then I
wake up in the middle of the night and I'm wide awake and I can't
sleep, so I sit here and read and respond to emails and stuff like
that. Sometimes I puke too, because of the chemo, but not too often.
Usually just for a few days after the chemo. I wonder if they'll
ever come up with some kind of chemo for SPAM? Do you think that's
possible? Just think if we could cure SPAM... That would be almost
as great a human achievement as curing cancer, don't you think?
First though, you have to find the TUMOR that's producing it, and
then KILL it. See that's the tough part about SPAM, I mean cancer, I
mean Lymphoma - finding the TUMOR so you can kill it. It hides
really good. You can keep cleaning up all the cancerous cells it
puts out, but it just keeps putting out more and more and more and
more of them until there's nothing you can do anymore to stop it.
Nasty stuff, that cancer...
Cathy, please don't change your email address for
awhile. I have a LOT of places I want to use it. Thanks.
>>World Wide Attractions
You know, I did a search for "World Wide
Attractions" but it didn't show up on the search engines. Well,
nothing that could have been you, anyway. Don't you think you should
do something to get your position on the front page of the
"search vehicle"? After all, it's absolutely critical to
your success, remember? You said so yourself. I would think that
you'd like to show how good you are at promoting other's web sites
and driving traffic (Get it? Driving? Traffic? Vehicle?) by showing
that you can do it with your own first. It's just a thought. Do you
even have a web site to promote? I notice that you didn't give an
address to one in your email to me. Don't you think that it would be
appropriate for you to have a web site yourself, if you're going to
be in business promoting web sites? I'm sorry. I don't mean to doubt
your abilities here, but I'm getting a little scared because I just
don't know what all this could mean if you don't even have a web
site yourself. I could make you a web site if you don't know how to
make it yourself. Or my 14 year old daughter can make you one, if
you don't know how to make it yourself. It's actually pretty easy,
even for most children today. I'm surprised you haven't got one. Did
you see the one my kid made, in between birthday parties? What am I
thinking?! Of course you did! You told me you visited my site (I'm
just so forgetful on these drugs sometimes). Nasty stuff, that
>>If by some misunderstanding we received
your request, click reply and type take away in the subject line.
The sentence structure and punctuation is a bit
lacking, but I think I get the idea. This is the part where you try
to pretend that you're not spamming me, that you simply made a
mistake and you're sorry and you'll remove me from your "Nice
People to SPAM" database if I respond in a particular way. Of
course, we both know that's a lie, but it was fun anyway, wasn't it?
Sure it was. I can appreciate the humor in that. Cancer patients
arenít all gloom and doom, you know. We have a sense of humor just
like anyone else. The doctors say that my sense of humor is a really
good thing to keep my spirits up in the face of certain death. I see
the humor in almost everything around me. For example, I think youíre
pretty funny, trying to convince me that I can sell cancer on the
internet - oops, I forgot to capitalize it - Internet. There. Thatís
better. Where was I? Oh, yeah... funny. You should try stand-up if
this web promotion SPAM thing doesnít work out for you.
I really look forward to getting to know your
email address intimately over the next few months. I should have it
memorized within a few days. Many others are looking forward to
sending you advertising as well. They just don't know it yet. But
they will. They can help you solve lots and lots and lots of
problems you didnít even know you had with their thousands of
products and services. Theyíll tell you all about it though, so
donít worry about what those problems are just yet. I'm
particularly pleased to do my part to promote unmitigated, unwanted,
unwarranted, unneeded promotions by email. Especially since I'll be
using YOUR email address to do it. Think nothing of it. Really. did
I mention I have cancer? Did you really like my web pages, or are
you just trying to humor me in some way? Give my love to the family.
Thanks, and have a nice day. :>)
Buck R. Cash (The guy that DIDN'T ask you to contact me.)